Notes: Matthew 13

God's friends don't walk away
So who am I, the truly lost or the saved?
Can my life be His, my death be cost
... and am I worth the cross?

Times like these, we need Jesus. This morning at church our pastor spoke from the parables in Matthew 13:44-50 - the hidden treasure, the valuable pearl, and the kingdom of God as a fishing net when the good and the bad catch will be saved or destroyed. Here are my notes.

- A king will come and deliver us from destruction. This includes my private sins and public fears!

- The kingdom of Heaven's importance is greater than it seems

- The kingdom of Heaven's value is greater than *anything else* (sin, lust, evil, meanness, money, perfectionism)

- The kingdom of Heaven's gain is greater than its cost

- Even the best, most important thing we could do must come after following Jesus (reference: Matthew 8:18-22, when a potential follower asks to first bury his dead father, and Jesus answers, "Let the dead bury their own dead")

- Does Jesus come before.... my family? job? study? future? my visions? salary? gifts? thoughts? attitudes? preparations? health? interests? There is NOTHING more important than Jesus, nor is His importance relative.

- Can I think of anything more important than spending eternity in Heaven with Jesus?

- Don't hold onto some supposed freedom, like our unwillingness to make an effort, our apathy, our human relativism, or members of our proverbial seashell collection.

- Jesus paid it all when He went through the fiery furnace for us! He paid the ULTIMATE COST to ensure our salvation.

- "I am a great sinner and Christ is a great Saviour" (quoted from the movie Amazing Grace)

- And He loves me, despite the fact I fail Him everyday.

- 2 Corinthians 8:9 ESV, "For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, yet for your sake He became poor, so that you by His poverty might become rich."

Yesterday, University Began

Now I'm sitting on the floor with my laptop on my knees (having got a decent start on my first paper and now don't have anything to do for the rest of the week) in the hallway where our heater is nice and toasty. On Spotify I'm listening to Relient K's album "The Birds and the Beeside" and loving the music. During the day I went to work. Came home, and thought about how I used to dance a lot, and ended up collapsing in my room overcome with some joke or something that popped into my psychotic brain. Thinking I really should finish that novel I was in the middle of drafting... like five years ago. And I'm twenty! I've said that already but - really - I'm excited!

Here's why:

I believe God is changing my heart around. Yes: I realize He is, regardless of whether I "realize" He is or not. He is the I AM, and He loves. We like to simplify God into a single word - "He loves" - "He strengthens" - "He changes" - and all of these are right, but honestly the lining is a tad more silver than one little phrase could paint. 

God does more than just reach down. He wants to hang out, He walks with me, with His feet on the same ground. Yesterday it hit me that this is the beginning of a four-and-a-half-year degree... a bit scary... but because this is God's plan for me, I'm excited.

Because (or despite) my want to numb down God, I won't; because (or despite) my desire to put God last on my list of "to-dos", I won't.

As a child I cried when my brother pushed me too hard and I was so angry that I threw his apology (a hand-picked bundle of flowers) into his face. I have never received another bouquet as beautiful as what he chose for me. When I think about this, which happened a decade ago, and my heart still squeezes in regret. How could a little heart care as much for a boy's hurt feelings? Even though I was young, I wanted to never ever turn away an apology again. I wanted to always be soft and teachable. Later when another boy hurt me very badly, it took most of this past ten years to relearn the same lesson (simplistically, it is the very same) that to remain soft, pain needs to have an effect and forgiveness needs to happen for change to follow in grace's example.

A degree in social work is a reflection of something bigger than my little sac of compassion. My great enjoyments include dancing, writing, laughing - but over time, on my own, I forget (and forgot) how to do these things. Functionality doesn't exist inside me without Jesus. Heart is His soul.

Frankly - the one reason my heart loves people is because of Jesus. With mixed feelings I admit that when I'm not with God, I'm the most selfish, nasty girl; thank God for God, to save us from ourselves. Being human isn't enough to be a person. It takes much more of "God" than "girl" to make a woman a woman.

I love Jesus. Yep - it's time I did some Bible study. Just come out of a hard time. So I discover that the act of breathing air for the first time... isn't a one-time thing. After wallowing in self hatred it's a resurrection moment to grasp hold of Jesus again.

Seriously this heater is so nice and warm. On the floor, I'm deciding that although my writing is out of practice (scrambled in other words) being random and all over the place takes special talent, so I'm going to keep going through the coming months until my brain tunes itself to actually improving in the task. 

Lists are amazing. I love Jesus, Spotify, pianos, water, words, singing, chances, life, laughter. Oh Lord that I will learn how to keep laughing! Can't imagine anything more fantastic right now. And here's a song to enforce my randomness further:

Thorns

Last year when the doctor diagnosed me with neurocardiogenic syncope, a condition which describes irregular fainting and lethargy, there was a time of struggling for me. Not only was there the physical symptoms of nausea and trembling, and mental symptoms such as memory loss, there was the overarching knowledge that I - a young person with a future - had to learn to live with this irreversible "invisible illness" which I barely understood, let alone the fact no one else did.

I didn't faint very often. Possibly twice over the last few years. My main physical complaints revolved around the inability to steady my thoughts and hands (couldn't stop shaking), the muscle tension everywhere, the weakness, the difficulty forming words, the simple lack of coordination. It is amazing how a simple issue with the nervous system can affect a whole list of everyday functions. 

Finally I began settling down. I'd learned about it more and knew what I was dealing with. This seemed to give me more power than medication would have - which I never was on, as mine was not severe enough to warrant the cost. I imagined the next step for me was to carry on as normal and rest up when I needed to, and to be kind to my work colleagues and social friends by pacing myself throughout my week as to not crash with fatigue.

What a shock! A checkup with my doctor and a couple interesting non-syncope symptoms later and I was no longer dealing with a crappy, predictable nervous system disorder. Yes, I am sensitive to feeling faint. But this was not, apparently, the reason for my physical distress. My doctor asked me so many questions. At the end she was talking about psychiatrists and therapists - by which point I was blinking at her, going, "Huh?" After all, isn't there something taboo and wrong with admitting to something that the Church generally disregards with a frown? My doctor was great - gently, she confirmed me with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and referred me to a psychiatrist to be tested for PTSD (Post-Trauma Stress Disorder).

After this, I realized I wasn't too surprised by the outcome. I felt a bit sheepish because everyone who spent time around me knew that I was prone to being unwell and mentally spaced. I'd talked to other people with the condition. And people with other "invisible illnesses" who could relate to the symptoms. I didn't make a huge announcement to tell everyone about the misdiagnosis (nothing sounds worse than a mental disorder) and this is my first time putting it on a public forum in writing, so I'm a little afraid. Too bad though. 

I have forgotten the link but I read a very interesting article a while ago about anxiety in the church and how Christians have many misconceptions about mental illness. Personally I do feel the stigma but my faith must be at the foreground - and if I love God with all my heart, which I do, and God has forgiven me of the past and future and in between, which He has and is and will, then like Job, there is absolutely no wrong or shame in struggling with an issue such as depression... or anxiety. In my mind (no pun intended) depression is a word that sums up being "depressed" or "pressed down" which of course in Job's case was very accurate. Satan was pressing him down, both physically and emotionally. In the same way anxiety is just a word that describes the difficulty I have with dealing with certain situations and how this difficulty overflows into other usually normal scenarios. Anxiety is not a "mental illness" because... this is what I have, and I'm a perfectly normal woman who is beloved by God and loves Him with everything she has. Some people struggle with depression, jealousy, lack of financial self-control - my Achilles heal (or my "thorn") is anxiety.

First of all I asked God to remove it. Sound familiar? God didn't remove the "thorn" because of a simple reason. Any medical professional will tell you that you get pain for a reason. By taking medication to remove the discomfort of pain, this will not cure you of the reason for the pain, it just relieves what is actually a very good thing. And like with leprosy, if pain is not felt at all to warn and to put guidelines in place for your body's health then you will be hurt, and continue to be hurt. Leprosy is a death sentence.

After asking God to take it away, I resigned to the fact that I did need to face some things. Not the least of which was (and is) self-centeredness. I have been too concerned by others' definitions of me. Fact is this - if you get a thousand people to describe you, you will be confused by a thousand different versions of you and you won't know which "you" will most satisfy THEM. Fact is this - they don't matter. Find one or two or three very trusted Christians to critique you, but don't base your behavior and worldview on a bunch of people's opinions who don't love God and certainly don't care about you any more than they want to feel good about themselves. Unfortunately it's a cycle.

If one person can be beautiful, it is because of a heart for God. It won't be somehow "not there" if they have met with struggles along the way. Jesus himself was so anxious that he sweated blood. So no, I don't have an illness. I just found a word that sums up another part of being human. 

Anxiety. Nah not scary. Not sinful. Not anything that hasn't been seen before. Finally I can take a deep breath and laugh at the days to come. I love God, I work hard, I rest. Sometimes I live a hundred lifetimes in a day. I'm blessed to have found the root of one vulnerable point that I can now take steps to improve. Turns out it has taught me things. Turns out, actually, that thorns can be blessings.