I didn't faint very often. Possibly twice over the last few years. My main physical complaints revolved around the inability to steady my thoughts and hands (couldn't stop shaking), the muscle tension everywhere, the weakness, the difficulty forming words, the simple lack of coordination. It is amazing how a simple issue with the nervous system can affect a whole list of everyday functions.
Finally I began settling down. I'd learned about it more and knew what I was dealing with. This seemed to give me more power than medication would have - which I never was on, as mine was not severe enough to warrant the cost. I imagined the next step for me was to carry on as normal and rest up when I needed to, and to be kind to my work colleagues and social friends by pacing myself throughout my week as to not crash with fatigue.
What a shock! A checkup with my doctor and a couple interesting non-syncope symptoms later and I was no longer dealing with a crappy, predictable nervous system disorder. Yes, I am sensitive to feeling faint. But this was not, apparently, the reason for my physical distress. My doctor asked me so many questions. At the end she was talking about psychiatrists and therapists - by which point I was blinking at her, going, "Huh?" After all, isn't there something taboo and wrong with admitting to something that the Church generally disregards with a frown? My doctor was great - gently, she confirmed me with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and referred me to a psychiatrist to be tested for PTSD (Post-Trauma Stress Disorder).
After this, I realized I wasn't too surprised by the outcome. I felt a bit sheepish because everyone who spent time around me knew that I was prone to being unwell and mentally spaced. I'd talked to other people with the condition. And people with other "invisible illnesses" who could relate to the symptoms. I didn't make a huge announcement to tell everyone about the misdiagnosis (nothing sounds worse than a mental disorder) and this is my first time putting it on a public forum in writing, so I'm a little afraid. Too bad though.
I have forgotten the link but I read a very interesting article a while ago about anxiety in the church and how Christians have many misconceptions about mental illness. Personally I do feel the stigma but my faith must be at the foreground - and if I love God with all my heart, which I do, and God has forgiven me of the past and future and in between, which He has and is and will, then like Job, there is absolutely no wrong or shame in struggling with an issue such as depression... or anxiety. In my mind (no pun intended) depression is a word that sums up being "depressed" or "pressed down" which of course in Job's case was very accurate. Satan was pressing him down, both physically and emotionally. In the same way anxiety is just a word that describes the difficulty I have with dealing with certain situations and how this difficulty overflows into other usually normal scenarios. Anxiety is not a "mental illness" because... this is what I have, and I'm a perfectly normal woman who is beloved by God and loves Him with everything she has. Some people struggle with depression, jealousy, lack of financial self-control - my Achilles heal (or my "thorn") is anxiety.
First of all I asked God to remove it. Sound familiar? God didn't remove the "thorn" because of a simple reason. Any medical professional will tell you that you get pain for a reason. By taking medication to remove the discomfort of pain, this will not cure you of the reason for the pain, it just relieves what is actually a very good thing. And like with leprosy, if pain is not felt at all to warn and to put guidelines in place for your body's health then you will be hurt, and continue to be hurt. Leprosy is a death sentence.
After asking God to take it away, I resigned to the fact that I did need to face some things. Not the least of which was (and is) self-centeredness. I have been too concerned by others' definitions of me. Fact is this - if you get a thousand people to describe you, you will be confused by a thousand different versions of you and you won't know which "you" will most satisfy THEM. Fact is this - they don't matter. Find one or two or three very trusted Christians to critique you, but don't base your behavior and worldview on a bunch of people's opinions who don't love God and certainly don't care about you any more than they want to feel good about themselves. Unfortunately it's a cycle.
If one person can be beautiful, it is because of a heart for God. It won't be somehow "not there" if they have met with struggles along the way. Jesus himself was so anxious that he sweated blood. So no, I don't have an illness. I just found a word that sums up another part of being human.
Anxiety. Nah not scary. Not sinful. Not anything that hasn't been seen before. Finally I can take a deep breath and laugh at the days to come. I love God, I work hard, I rest. Sometimes I live a hundred lifetimes in a day. I'm blessed to have found the root of one vulnerable point that I can now take steps to improve. Turns out it has taught me things. Turns out, actually, that thorns can be blessings.
