Yesterday, University Began

Now I'm sitting on the floor with my laptop on my knees (having got a decent start on my first paper and now don't have anything to do for the rest of the week) in the hallway where our heater is nice and toasty. On Spotify I'm listening to Relient K's album "The Birds and the Beeside" and loving the music. During the day I went to work. Came home, and thought about how I used to dance a lot, and ended up collapsing in my room overcome with some joke or something that popped into my psychotic brain. Thinking I really should finish that novel I was in the middle of drafting... like five years ago. And I'm twenty! I've said that already but - really - I'm excited!

Here's why:

I believe God is changing my heart around. Yes: I realize He is, regardless of whether I "realize" He is or not. He is the I AM, and He loves. We like to simplify God into a single word - "He loves" - "He strengthens" - "He changes" - and all of these are right, but honestly the lining is a tad more silver than one little phrase could paint. 

God does more than just reach down. He wants to hang out, He walks with me, with His feet on the same ground. Yesterday it hit me that this is the beginning of a four-and-a-half-year degree... a bit scary... but because this is God's plan for me, I'm excited.

Because (or despite) my want to numb down God, I won't; because (or despite) my desire to put God last on my list of "to-dos", I won't.

As a child I cried when my brother pushed me too hard and I was so angry that I threw his apology (a hand-picked bundle of flowers) into his face. I have never received another bouquet as beautiful as what he chose for me. When I think about this, which happened a decade ago, and my heart still squeezes in regret. How could a little heart care as much for a boy's hurt feelings? Even though I was young, I wanted to never ever turn away an apology again. I wanted to always be soft and teachable. Later when another boy hurt me very badly, it took most of this past ten years to relearn the same lesson (simplistically, it is the very same) that to remain soft, pain needs to have an effect and forgiveness needs to happen for change to follow in grace's example.

A degree in social work is a reflection of something bigger than my little sac of compassion. My great enjoyments include dancing, writing, laughing - but over time, on my own, I forget (and forgot) how to do these things. Functionality doesn't exist inside me without Jesus. Heart is His soul.

Frankly - the one reason my heart loves people is because of Jesus. With mixed feelings I admit that when I'm not with God, I'm the most selfish, nasty girl; thank God for God, to save us from ourselves. Being human isn't enough to be a person. It takes much more of "God" than "girl" to make a woman a woman.

I love Jesus. Yep - it's time I did some Bible study. Just come out of a hard time. So I discover that the act of breathing air for the first time... isn't a one-time thing. After wallowing in self hatred it's a resurrection moment to grasp hold of Jesus again.

Seriously this heater is so nice and warm. On the floor, I'm deciding that although my writing is out of practice (scrambled in other words) being random and all over the place takes special talent, so I'm going to keep going through the coming months until my brain tunes itself to actually improving in the task. 

Lists are amazing. I love Jesus, Spotify, pianos, water, words, singing, chances, life, laughter. Oh Lord that I will learn how to keep laughing! Can't imagine anything more fantastic right now. And here's a song to enforce my randomness further: